Verse 1.

Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1:

The spines on his back are too sharp for a man
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can
The result I think you'll find will appall:
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Verse 2.

Mounting a horse can often be fun

An elephant too; though he weighs half a ton

Even a mouse (though his hole is quite small)

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus2:

The spines on his back are so awful thick

you'll end up with naught but a painful prick.

He has an impregnable hole when curled up in a ball,

Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!

Verse 3.

Screwing a cow while she goes moo-moo

Will be entertaining to both her and you

Or you might try a tiger, if you have enough gall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 4.

A fish is refreshing, although a bit wet

And a cat or a dog can be more than a pet

Even a giraffe (despite being so tall)

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 5.

You can manage a snake, though its poison might kill

It's amazing how humping a camel will thrill

You can go with a snail if you slow to a crawl

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 6.

You can ravish a sloth but it would take all night

With a shark it is faster, but the darned beast might bite

We already mentioned the horse, you may recall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 7.

You can roger a skunk if you can stand the smell

Or even an oyster, should he let go of his shell

A troll can be rocky if down you should fall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 8.

For slippery fun, you can cornhole an otter

Or pego a pig after parting his trotters

Or tumble a tapir, though the prospect appall

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 9.

For prosimian fun, you can bugger a lemur

To bolster your name as a pervert and schemer

The lemurs cry "Frink!" as a coy mating call

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 10.

Antipodean pranks -- you can futter a wombat

Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat

Or hump a goanna -- go on, do it all

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 2.

Verse 11.

A moose is amusing, a squid quite confusing

Or try on a rhino if you fancy a bruising,

Or mountin' a mountain goat (careful, don't fall!)

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

Chorus 1.

Verse 12.

You could thrust with a thrush if you fancy a climb,

Or pork a few piglets if you have the time,

A skinhead's pet cat if you don't mind a brawl,

But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.

This is the alt.fan.pratchett version of the Hedgehog Song. The original version was thought up by Matthew Crosby, and has since then been streamlined and expanded by readers of the newsgroup.

If you have any suggestions for improvements or additional verses, please feel free to post them to alt.fan.pratchett, or mail them to Matthew Crosby (crosby@cs.colorado.edu) or Leo Breebaart (leo@cp.tn.tudelft.nl).

Note from Matthew: "BTW, I know the giraffe verse in the book is `if you stand on a stool', but this doesn't really rhyme. I've tried to insert all the other scraps Pterry has given us... if I missed any, let me know."